How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
