I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
