just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
