you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
