I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
