I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
