Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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