When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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