My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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