apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
And then he peed in my hair
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