i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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