Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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