My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
