Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
