You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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