Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
