She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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