I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
