i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
