Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
