My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
