there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
