good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
