I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Your dad touched me again.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
