Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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