Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The uberlube is also flammable
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
