i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
