dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
