i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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