I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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