That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
