You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
