I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
