listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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