I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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