Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
