Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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