I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
