shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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