We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We are all done wearing pants today
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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