I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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