My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
