i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
