9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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