Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
