I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
