Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
