I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
