I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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