Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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