I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
