I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
